Homophobia in my Everyday Life

Hello friends,

I'm going to tell you a little story about my night last night. Glean from it what you will:

After going shopping with my sister Kelsey for a new outfit for my date on Friday, I stopped by the 24/7 ABC store by my house, got some diet coke and vodka, and headed home. As you know, this is my typical Saturday night.

Well, the entire flask of vodka later, my roommates come home. This is around 11:30. My roommate Jason comes in my room and we start talking as we are apt to do on late nights. Also I was toasted and feeling very honest and open. We start talking about just everything. My job, his job, parental issues, and just a whole gamut of topics.

At some point, we circle around to talking about my other roommate, Michael. I don't remember all the details of the conversation for obvious reasons, but at some point Jason is talking about how open and accepting he (Michael) is, except when it comes to certain things. I pressed him for what he meant, and he didn't even take a breath before saying "Homosexuality. He doesn't understand it, he doesn't accept it, and he really doesn't like it. He's gotten a little better over the years after interacting with some gay people, but he still really hates it."

At this point, I lost complete interest in the conversation. I knew my roommates were never completely open and supporting of non-hetero lifestyles, but I had no idea that at least Michael actually hates it. At least now I know where I stand.

Thoughts and Revelations

Hi loves,

I haven't written a blog in awhile, mostly because as you all know my life has been full of craziness. But as I was sitting here tonight in all my insomniatic (this was not a word, but now is) glory, I decided it was time to write another one.

I've been doing a lot of reading, listening and watching lately of various celebrities and inspiring people, trying to figure out how to live the "gay life" with happiness and contentment. And you know what I've mostly learned (other than lots of things that I'm not going to discuss on my blog)? A lot of "non-gay" people have absolutely no clue about the gay community. So, after much research, I wanted to clear up a few misconceptions for all of you who do not speak fluent gay:

1. Being gay is not a choice. I did not wake up last December and say, "You know what: I think I want a nice big cock for breakfast this morning." If I made any choice, it was to accept who I am and try to live my life as a happy, proud individual. I do not know of anyone who would intentionally choose a life of hardship, discrimination and hate, but I assure you I am not one of those people. Now, that is not to say that if I had a choice, I would go the other way. I am so happy to be exactly me. I just wish everyone else could be.

2. Not all gays are slutty. In fact, as many of you reading this know, I have yet to do anything with a member of the male gender. This is including but not limited to sex, kissing, and holding hands. My views on relationships have not changed since I chose to accept who I was- I am waiting for the right man to come along before I share any of those things. They are precious to me and I will not give them away to just anyone. Now, that is just me. And sure, there are gays that are slutty- very slutty. Just as there are "non-gay" people who are very slutty. There is nothing wrong with that, as it is their life to live in whatever manner makes them happy. I just wanted you to be aware that it wasn't a universal pre-req to get your gay card.

3. For all the straight men- no, I am not attracted to you. Unless I am. See how that works? I am not attracted to every man, just as you (a straight man) are not attracted to every woman. Now, there have been many straight men I have been attracted to, but that is because of their individual appearance and/or personality, not because they're a man. I will never understand why most straight men are so uncomfortable around gay men. We're just people- you can talk to us, I promise we won't try to go down on you. Unless you want us to. But that's a very different conversation.

4. Enough with the stereotypes. I am so sick of gay profiling I actually want to hit someone- but I won't because I might break a nail. But seriously, just like all straight men do not watch mind-numbingly long hours of sports and adjust themselves in public, not all gay men speak in ear-splittingly high voices and know the entire script to A Chorus Line. Are there tendencies? Sure. But that doesn't mean you get the right to say "Oh, that guy has a lisp, so he must be gay." Just like you don't say "Oh, that girl doesn't like to wear dresses, she must be a lesbian." Unless you do, and if you do, I really don't like you and I don't want you around me. Thanks.

I think that covers the biggest things I've learned in my reading and video-trolling thus far. Feel free to ask me questions, leave me comments on what I said, or tell me how much my opinions offend you. I won't care, but feel free to tell me!

Love and kisses,

Brian

Letter to My Parents

Hi friends,

As most of you know by now, I officially came out to my parents on Monday. And as most of you know, it did not go well. My parents are old-fashioned, prejudiced Baptist Christians who refuse to accept that this is who I am. They refuse to believe that this is not a choice; it is impossible to them that I was simply born this way and cannot deny that which I am. My father has already pretty much broken ties with me, and my mother is currently attempting to guilt me into "choosing to be straight." Since they refuse to listen to what I have to say, and will probably never change their minds, I'm going to say what I want them to hear and understand here, so that it will at least be out in the universe:

Mom and Dad,

I know that you do understand or approve of my choice to live my life as a gay man. You raised me to be an upstanding, faithful Christian man who marries a woman and has children and a mortgage and a pet; the whole "white picket fence" American dream that most parents in our society want for their children. And were I a normal male child, this would probably be where I would inevitably end up.

But I'm not. I'm not attracted to women; I'm attracted to men. Don't get me wrong- I love my friends that are women as if they were my own sisters. But I am not attracted to them in a physical, emotional, or spiritual sense. I have no interest in kissing, marrying, or having sex with a woman. This is not something I can help; it is not a "choice." I did not wake up one day and choose to pursue men instead of women. I know you believe the Bible teaches that homosexuality is a choice; I do not believe this is what the Bible teaches at all. There has never been a time in my life when I have been attracted to women. I am genetically designed to find physical attraction in another man- there is no choice involved in what or who I am attracted to.

That said, while it absolutely breaks my heart that you cannot accept me for what I am, I am not going to stop being who I am for your sake. I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I cannot deny myself to make you happy. You raised me to lead my own life and make my own decisions, and if you cannot accept or support those decisions, then I understand. But I fully intend to live my life my way, whether or not it makes you happy; I am tired of living a life of lies and fear and secrecy. I intend to be a fully open and loving gay man; if you cannot love me through this, then your love is not as strong for me as you claim.

I love you both with my entire heart, and I will always be here for you and will do whatever I can for you. If you choose to cut me out of your life or stop acknowledging me as your son, then that is your prerogative, but know that this is not a decision you can reverse later when you decide you're okay with what I am. I am gay. I'm not asking you to like it, or accept it; I'm just asking you to still love me even if you don't approve. If you cannot do that, then I have nothing further to say.

With all the love in my heart,
Brian

My First (Real) Blog

Hi y'all,

As this is my first real attempt at blogging, please bear with me while I try to nail down what I want this thing to turn into. On a related note, most of you know me very well- I am completely (and sometimes brutally) honest. I will probably say some things that are shocking, personal, and maybe a little disturbing. If you don't feel comfortable with that, I completely understand- but this blog is probably not something you're going to want to keep up with.

Now with all the formalities out of the way, let's shoot the shit. I love my job. Like, I really am excited to get up and go to work every morning. And- as a couple of you definitely already know- I've already sniffed out all my fellow gays in the company. I'm not going to name them by name or say anything that might identify them, because I don't know them personally and I don't know if they're comfortable yet being who they are, but they are both absolutely lovely, wonderful individuals and I really hope to get to know them better in the future.

Someone(s) I will name and shame are my two new best friends- Jeni and Michele. They both started with me at EBSCO, and they are two of the most precious and hilarious people I've ever had the joy of encountering. I don't know if they'll ever read this, but in case they do- I. Love. You. Seriously. You make going to work even more enjoyable for me, and I probably wouldn't be nearly as happy without you. You also make me feel very comfortable to be myself at work, which is no small feat- let me tell you. So kudos- you're a couple of awesome bitches!

I don't even feel the need at this point to shout out to the people that have been in my inner circle for a long time. You know how much I absolutely adore and cherish you, and how much less of a man I would be without you all. I love you all with every piece of my heart, and wish you all the happiness and joy this world has to offer. Seriously. Thank you.

I'm not gonna lie, guys- sometimes, it is really difficult to live in a household that's anti-gay. I pretended to be straight (so convincingly I believed myself) for far too long. Now that I'm out and coming to terms with how much I love it, I cannot begin to explain how painful it is to have to switch myself back into that world when I'm at home. Don't get me wrong- I absolutely love my two roommates. They saved me from the nightmare that was living with my parents and have been absolutely amazing to me the entire time I've lived here. But I know they would absolutely never speak to me again if I came out to them, and I'm not at a point in my life where I can support myself on my own, so it's something I just have to bear.

On that topic, can I just say that I love being gay? I absolutely just love every minute of being me. Well, not every minute I suppose- you guys know how much of an emotional roller coaster I can be. But I am so much significantly happier with life now that I've admitted who I am and am comfortable enough to express that openly. Seriously. So many people go through life incredibly afraid to express how they really feel- and I'm not just speaking to sexuality here. Whatever your personality is, whatever your desires are, whatever your dreams may be- just let them out. Express you every minute of every day, and you will find more happiness than you could ever dream of.

Okay, I'm going to stop talking now. I know you're all tired of hearing me by now. Until next time, my loves!

XOXO,

Brian